I knew Josh and Jake for years. They were “that” couple, always together, always holding hands, giving each other kisses, never going anywhere without each other. They were cute and it made everyone around them happy to see how in love they were. It was sad for me to find out that Josh got a job in Massachusetts and that they would be moving there. Josh left first. Jake was taking some classes at Columbia and decided to stay until they would be over before relocating.
Josh found an amazing two bedroom apartment. He furnished it and made the extra room into a studio for Jake (he was a painter). Soon I was saying good bye to Jake and promising him that I would visit them all the time, and that in the summer we can still rent a small house in Mexico, and that I loved him, and that everything was going to work out. I could tell that he was nervous about the move. He loved New York City. He moved to New York straight after High School and for the first time was able to be himself. He grew up in Texas and often told me that he didn’t know how to breath freely until he was in New York. I hugged my dear friend, he got on a bus and was gone.
About three months later I got a phone call in the middle of the night. It was Jake. He was very upset telling me that Josh doesn’t love him anymore and that their relationship is ending. I asked him why did he think that Josh didn’t love him anymore and he couldn’t come up with an answer, he was just convinced that Josh didn’t love him. “I think that you are just freaking out because you are new to this place. You don’t have any friends yet, you don’t have a job. Josh goes to work every day leaving you all by yourself. You need to get out. Go walk around, go to a museum, go make some friends, paint! Do what you normally do. You will be fine. I’m sure that you are just convincing yourself that all these bad things are happening because you are bored.” I told him. He thanked me for listening and promised that he was going to try not to get so depressed.
I called to check on him in a few weeks and he seemed fine, not exactly happy, but fine. I figured that he was working on it and that soon everything will be the way it always has been – Josh and Jake, always together, always in love.
Few months later I was cleaning out my apartment when the door bell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone on a Sunday evening. When I opened the door it was Jake. He was shaking, his eyes were red. I sat him down on my couch, pored him a glass of vine and demanded for him to tell me everything that has happened.
After our phone call he tried to be understanding and supportive. He watched Josh go to work every morning and come back late at night. He painted in his studio, cooked dinners, cleaned the apartment. Noting that he did could take away the loneliness that he was feeling. Back in New York Josh and him met each other for lunch, always had dinner together, went out after work. But when they moved, all of that stopped. They only saw each other at night and any time Josh wanted to go out, Jake just didn’t feel like it. The depression was getting stronger and stronger. Jake became absolutely convinced that Josh felt no love towards him anymore. So when Josh went out on a business trip, Jake packed his bags and left. He called Josh and told him that he was leaving him. When Josh asked why, Jake told him “Because you don’t love me.” That was it for Jake and Josh.
When Jake finished telling me his story I didn’t know what to say. “How can you be sure that he doesn’t love you? Have you ever told him about the way you feel? Or ask him?” I said to him. “No. I just can’t help the way I feel.” He answered. I didn’t really know what kind of advice I could give him, I didn’t understand the situation.
Later that night, when I was in bed, I thought about Jake and Josh. I felt sad that they were no longer together. The more I though about them, the more I realized that it was Jake who didn’t want to be with Josh anymore. He just couldn’t leave without an excuse, so he subcontiously convinced himself that Josh didn’t love him anymore so he wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving. So far I’ve been trying to understand Jake, make him feel better, but what about Josh? How does he feel now? I reached out to my night table for my cell phone.
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